Relationships

How To Protect the Effects of Divorce on Children

Effects of Divorce on Children

If you’re going through the horror of divorce, use this guide to help your children survive and pay close attention to the effects of divorce on children.effects of divorce on children - Innocent Child

One of the hardest tasks involved with breaking up is telling your children about your separation of divorce. Knowing what and what not to say can make this task a little easier. And it can help and lessen the effects of divorce on children allowing them to come to terms with the break-up a little better. This is what you could say:

• Clarify what has happened – confirm that your partnership has ended. Fact: not knowing what’s happening can cause greater distress for some children than the facts of the matter. Wise: give specific reasons for the separation or divorce; as appropriate to the children’s ages. Example: “you’ll remember that Mummy and Daddy were always arguing.We were unhappy living together”.

And: make it clear that your children were not responsible for the separation, nor can they bring you back together. Because: some children feel that they’re responsible for everything that goes on around them. And they may thing they’ve caused the break-up and could feel guilty about it. Similar: they may believe they have the power to reunite you.

So: making it clear that this is a final decision that’s not been made because of them can help to prevent unnecessary heartache. Also: be ready to explain your reasons again, as and when necessary. Note: many children need to hear the reasons several times in order to come to terms with the separation. Important: be consistent with your comments every time.

Reassure your children – do stress that you both still love them. How: ideally, both parents will be involved in this talk. Or: if you’re talking on your own, confirm that you and your partner will continue to love them, and be their parents. Vital: avoid blaming your partner for the break-up.

Sad: these (often instinctive) comments force children to take sides, and prolong unhappiness and bitterness. Unfortunate: this may suit a grieving partner, but doesn’t help their children to accept the situation.

Best: a co-operative relationship between parents most helps their children to move on. Preferable: both parents will remain actively involved with childcare arrangements on an ongoing basis. Research: usually, most children are happier if both parents retain some form of regular contact with them. Why: this helps to provide the reassurance that they’re still loved.

Motto: actions speak louder than words. Always: talk about what each parent will do, when, and how often. Talk through the practicalities. Again: your comments may need to be repeated regularly to reassure your children.

• Look to the future – confirm what’s going to happen now. Ideal: many children will be happier if their lives remain as settled and as consistent as possible.

So: if you can, talk about those areas that will remain unchanged. Examples: they’ll have the same home, school, friends, daily routine, etc. Tip: never assume that they’ll somehow realise these areas will stay the same.

Guideline: if you don’t tell them, they won’t know! And: if there are going to be significant changes, do talk these through with them too.

Remember: the uncertainty of not knowing can be more stressful for children that knowing what will happen next. Helpful: explain that you understand they may not be happy, but that you will do your best to make these changes as smooth as possible for them.

Advisable: encourage your children to share their feelings with you. Typical: anger, nervousness, sadness etc. Because: only by recognising these feelings can you discuss and help with the effects of divorce on children allowing them to come to terms with the situation.

Hint: identify and talk through some of the possible positive outcomes of these changes. Examples: moving to a new area will enable them to see more of Granny and Granddad, to make new friends, to go swimming more often etc.

Recommended Links

Children & Divorce

Stop That Divorce

Friendly Divorce

Save My Marriage

Manage Your Anger

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How Working 1 Hour LESS reduces Work Stress and Make Your Boss Love You

How To Reduce Work Stress & Still Impress

(and 4 other magic triggers that will make work stress disappear)

Let’s face it, work is one of the most dominant, demanding things in our lives. We spend most of our waking hours at work or getting to work. We often take work home with us (even if it’s mulling a problem over in our heads), and often we can let it all works stress get on top of us.

The in-tray never seems to go down, the emails never get answered, and deadlines are pushed back and back till they fall off a cliff, and you feel like jumping with them. But take the time to keep your head above water for a minute and take a deep breath – because there are five magic ways to create more space and time in your work life to get things done and ease the pressure of work stress.

  • Trigger 1: Work one hour LESS each day.

If you’ve been in a job for more than six months, chances are you’ll have subconsciously fallen into a bad routine that seems easier at first, but created problems later. You’ll just perform tasks and get things done on “automatic” without thinking about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it and how you could make it so much easier for yourself.

So, free up 30-60 minutes a day to go through the things that are clogging up your work life (and your home life). Work out what’s running smoothly and what’s taking far longer than it should, assess where it’s all falling down, and write down what needs to happen to make it better. Do this for a month. You’ll be amazed how much more you’ll get done, how much fresher and better your work will be without the work stress.

 

  • Trigger 2: Set yourself a timetable

This may sound like you’re just adding MORE work to your day, but setting out timelines for specific projects will help get everything in perspective and show you exactly what you have to do.

This is especially helpful when you have so much work, you don’t know where to start. In fact, you don’t know where to start. In fact, it’s such a burden you mentally get to the point where you think, “Why bother? I’ll never get through all this”, and as a result the work just keeps on building up (together with that clammy pressure on the back of your neck as your boss’s eyes bore into you.)

So, begin by writing down a list of everything that needs doing (and check with people that there’s nothing they’ve forgotten to tell you about).

Split the jobs into stages and treat each stage as a separate task. For example, if you wanted to put a shelf up, you’d split that down into buy brackets and shelf, prepare wall, drill holes, fix to wall. Once you have your definitive list, split the tasks into small (30 mins or less) and big (anything above that – don’t bother splitting the list into loads of different groups).

Then, jot down the three most important tasks that you can realistically complete in that day – and one additional smaller task.

Tackle the smaller task first. Get it done and cross it off the list. It’s pathetic, but it really does make you feel in charge of the work, not vice versa. Then get to work on the first of the important tasks.

 

  • Trigger 3: Get “out of the loop”

Reduce Work Stress - paretoTake a look at your desk and your inbox. How many useless reports, memos, emails and samples are cluttering up the place? Take a quick look through it, and see what you’ve looked at. If they were important, people would be screaming at you for a response, but the truth is 80% of the stuff that ends up on your desk is a waste of your time. The trouble is, you’ll either waste time by reading it, or feel under pressure to do something about it.

Simple tell the distributor to take your name off the list, and drop your colleagues a not saying you don’t really need this newsletter or that report.

 

  • Trigger 4: Cut down on work – based socialising

Business launches are all well and good – some of them are essential – but if you find yourself constantly attending launches, dinners or parties, you’ll never have time to switch off and think about other things in your life.

Launch time should ideally be a leisurely hour on your own, reading a book, taking a stroll or enjoying an unhurried lunch. You need to let your mind unplug from work and cool down a little. If you have a business lunch with colleagues, then attend a function hosted by a client, you are in effect working a 14-hour day without even realising it. And if you do this regularly, it will take its toll.

So only accept invitations that are truly necessary, and claw back a few hours a week for yourself.

  • Trigger 5: Stop thinking you’re the big “I am”

If you’re good (and you know you are!) you’ll probably be asked to be part of brainstorming groups, or be part of a social committee, or head up some company association… which is all great for your ego. But before you start accepting every invitation, think about the all time big question “What’s in it for me?”. Sure, it’ll make you feel good that you’ve been asked to organise something, but if it happens too often consider how much of your time and energy you’re throwing into these extra – curriculum tasks – and pick and choose.

The Bottom Line:   Using these magic triggers could totally transform how you approach your work, and how much calmer everything seems to be with the work stress being a thing of the past.

 

Recommended Links:

 

More on Work Stress…

Industrial and organizational psychology

External links : Handbook of work stress. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Jex, S. M (1998). Stress and job performance: Theory, research, and
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